Jessika (face_it_ur_fat) wrote in eds_hurt_others,

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i can't believe how fat and disgusting i am. i feel so full right now, im gunna puke. had moms dinner, whcih was good, excpet i wanted to kill myself with every bite. i never enjoy eaying, and i hate it when i have to. im around 1000 cals today, more than ive been in a LONG time. im down to 127.5, but im going on vaca. firday for 10 days with my husband and his family, and im going to the beach, so that means bikini, which my husband swears i look sexy in, but he's delirious. thankfully i surf so most of the time ill be in board shorts and a wet suit top, but still, those tops are so tight. but i dont want to hurt my husband by complaining that im fat all vacation and not eating(he knows about my ED and i promised i wouldnt complain). but im goign to be misrable no matter how much i want to be happy, i need this ED, sadly.

me and my husband have an active sex life(thank god lol). but my insecurites are seriously getting in the way. he likes to be dominated, and considering i usta be hardcore into BDSM(whips,hot wax,leashes,handucffs,blindfolds, etc.), i normally wouldnt have a problem with this. however lately my ED has been getting progressivley worse and my insecurites about my body have been worse than ever. we've had some(very hot) talks about our sexual fantasies and what i want to do to him and what he wants to do to me while we are on vacation. i want to do these things, i just dont think i can. id love to just be able to give him a lap dance, tie him up,blindfold him, whip him, tease him etc., but im not sure its gunna happen and i know how badly he wants it, and not being able to do it makes my insecurities so much worse becuase i feel as though im not enough for him. i happen to love thongs(who doesnt? lol) and he loves black/red hot lil sexy lacy things. if only i was comfy with my body i could wear those things(i do, i just dont like to show him). but the fact is, im not comfy with my body, myself. i usta be amazing with these things, but now it seems as tthough it takes so much effort to be able to be with him. he constantly tells me im sexy and amazing and beautiful, but of course i dont believe him, i cant. i feel like i cant talk to him about this becuase my ED has already effected him so much, i dont want to hurt him or make him feel bad. its not like i dont like the sex(trust me, its great). its just been so hard for me and i dont know if i can do it anymore. so anyway, what i was wondering was if anyone else had/has this problem? if so, was there anytihng you did? i dont know what the hell to do, im so frusturated with myself and the fact that no matter what i do, ED-NOS gets in the way of everytihng in my life and theres not a dman thing i can do about it, cuz i need it.

x-posted to alot of places
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I wish I had something remotely intelligent to say, but all I can offer is that I have pretty similar problems re: sex etc, you're not sounds like your husband loves you a lot, so I guess talking to him and trying to explain things may help, I dunno..I find it's one of the things that it's hard to talk about, but it can help maybe..sorry to be useless,I hope you have/had a good time on your vacation anyways.
thanks hun, and you're not useless, it totally helps to know im not the only one with these feelings. we ended up tlaking a bit about it, i feel a little better. i had an awesome vaca., thanks!