2-15-07 @ 9:45

I've been struggling daily with my shame and guilt for the burden that i've bared on my husband and son. They deserve so much more than what I offer. i'm currently considering therapy again, but having a hard time finding another therapist. Until then i am depressed, dissatisfied, and full of doubt, disgust, and pain.

My husband says that he knows me less and less everyday.

4-12-06 @ 3:09

I'm new to bulimia but I suppose my problems are shifting. Lately, I've been throwing up at every chance. I don't know why the change. I don't know why any of this. I've been struggling through some ED-NOS or AN for 11 years and NOW I decide throwing everything up is better?

No.. I know I didn't decide any of this. I don't like thinking in the fatalistic terms that seem to say I never chose this but at the same time, I can see turning points. I feel awfula dn guilty and WAY out of control. I'm really scared. I don't know how to undo any of this and throwing up.. well, it feels like such a relief. I know this is wrong and bad and HORRIBLE and god, it is.. i can feel that it is, but at the same time, no one can tell me this isn't comforting. Which is NOT a comforting thought, in itself.

Hate hate hate hate hate. I'm angry and confused and exhausted. And I can't sleep. *sigh* I hate feeling so alone. I HATE feeling THIS LONELY! Somebody please, tell me you hear me and understand this? Because I sure as shit don't.

11-28-05 @ 7:33

Ok so for those of you who aren't on my normal journal, my nana passed away two weeks ago. My mom is haivng a really hard time, and I'm trying as much as I can to be there for her, although her bitchiness sometimes makes it hard(like earlier today). But anyway that's not the point. MY mom came in to my room to apoligize to em and wanted me to go out to dinner, of course I said no, but she looked so friggin' sad, so I gave in and in about a half hour we are going to go eat. What am I gunna do? I just started this fast, and I was so excited about it. Of course all I'll have is a small salad. But salad, no matter how few calories, is still food.

I'm so weak. I need this fast, I need it so fuckin' bad. I'm a fuckin whale.

So heres yet another question for you all.

Has this type of situation ever happened to you? What do you do? and what is your brutally honest opinion of what I've done?


7-20-05 @ 10:49

today i felt so disgusting. i saw all these fat-asses at walmart after eating a huge burrito for lunch. i just felt awful. i hate walmart. i never want to eat again.

how can you stuff your face when there are people in the world who are lucky to get one meal a day?

...i guess that's my biggest question...

the next biggest is, "why have i gained 15 lbs in the past four years, yet haven't grown any taller?"
¤ mood (sorrowful) ¤ 

7-14-05 @ 12:25

my fast has been once again fucked up becuase of my mother. i'm running out of excuses to use on her. this fucking bites. she thought i was depressed so she made me pizza and an icecream cone. i felt bad so i ate a slice and half the cone. i wanted to puke, but she was cleaning the bathroom. i think life is out to get me. and i am going to be depressed if i dont lose 20 pounds by august 31st. i figure instead of startign another fast right away i'll restrict to under 400 and on monday i'll start a new 5 day fast. aug 31st is the first day at school, and its another new school. i want to look amazing. not for the boys, cuz im happily married, but for myself. i could care less what other people think, but if im not happy with myself i know i get completely introverted and i shut people out. and i dont want to do that. i've come to the realization that i cant be on a fast when i see my husband becuase it hurts him too much to see me like that,and i dont want him to have to. i love him so much and he is the only person that has ever made me feel beautiful, and i want to respect how he feels. so im trying really hard to eat healthy around him, instead of just not eating, wish me luck girls, im gunna need it. anyone have any advice?


7-11-05 @ 6:09

Im new to the community, I wanted to say Hi and leave some writing here.

I got on a fight with my bf last saturday cos, while I was getting ready to go out, I kept coming back to him to ask if that or that t-shirt make me fatter/thinner or if my make up was ok (am im wearing too much mascara? should I....?). He was fed up of me needing the opinion of others about everysingle bit concerning to my look. He said, hey you always look great for me so please just try and get your own opinion. I ended without makeup and not feeling really secure about myself.

Another everyday issue is food. I keep on asking him: can i eat this? have I eaten too much? do i look thinner?

I think ppl with EDs can get really annoying sometimes and i think is natural that "normal" ppl get fed up sometimes and just give up on us.

6-28-05 @ 7:53

i can't believe how fat and disgusting i am. i feel so full right now, im gunna puke. had moms dinner, whcih was good, excpet i wanted to kill myself with every bite. i never enjoy eaying, and i hate it when i have to. im around 1000 cals today, more than ive been in a LONG time. im down to 127.5, but im going on vaca. firday for 10 days with my husband and his family, and im going to the beach, so that means bikini, which my husband swears i look sexy in, but he's delirious. thankfully i surf so most of the time ill be in board shorts and a wet suit top, but still, those tops are so tight. but i dont want to hurt my husband by complaining that im fat all vacation and not eating(he knows about my ED and i promised i wouldnt complain). but im goign to be misrable no matter how much i want to be happy, i need this ED, sadly.

the real reason im writing tonight(be warned, some sexual details)Collapse )

x-posted to alot of places
¤ mood ( pissed off) ¤ 

6-13-05 @ 4:58

hey im new. i promoted this community in my lj cuz i saw it wasnt too busy and i think its an important community to be a part of. ill also post the promotipn in each of my communites that allows it.

so anyway, im 16 and have been dealing with ednos for as long as i can remember. my husband knows, and im sure other people have guessed. but the most important person(my husband), is the reason i joined this community. i know it hurts him everyday to see me not eating much, hating my body and calling myself huge. he thinks im beuatiful and id give anything to believe him, but the fact is i dont. i suppose i joined, among other reasons, becuase i needed people who understood the pain i go through just knowing how much my ED upsets him. im scared hes going to leave me one of these days, even though he swears he never will. on the other hand im scared hes gunna find someone with the perfect body and leave me too, although deep down i know that will never happen. so yea, thats my situation simplifed. i look forward to being a part of this community, making friends and reading everyones posts.

4-23-05 @ 1:49
im so glad to have come across a few DECENT eating disorder related communities on livejournal. ive had my ed for 5 or so years, and it kills me to see what it does to my family. im currently seeing an eating disorder specialized therapist once a week, not covered by insurance, and it costs $230 a session. the kicker is that it's just not helping, i hate the therapist, but its easy to avoid talking about the real issues with him and thus continue my ways. before this therapy i was in an extensive dbt program for 3 years, again not covered by insurance, and again incredibly costly. my family is well off i guess, not rich but not struggling to make ends meet, either. it just sickens me how much money goes into treatment for me and i dont take advantage of it at all. i went to an inpatient recovery program a couple of months ago, and insurance only cleared me for 3 days because i refused to eat the meals. my dad was so hopeful that it would help me that he ended up paying for the rest of my stay out of pocket... a couple grand a day. i got out and reverted immediately to my symptoms. i feel selfish for throwing out food, and for not being able to change. my sister regularly calls me selfish for continuing with my behaviors despite how much it hurts my family. she tells me things like "if you cant eat for yourself, eat for us" or "why dont you just kill yourself already, since all your doing is prolonging your death and the inevitable grief." i messed up the chance to be with the boy i love with all my heart because of my stupid eating disorder. i cant stand it... but at the same time i dont want to get better.

sorry that this is long, take care everyone.

4-12-05 @ 6:30

I hope this can become a place of healing for many of us. I know that my struggles with anorexia have greatly affected those i love. My family and friends are constantly worrying and trying to figure out how to best help me. The problem is that most of them don't understand how to help. I hope this community becomes a place where we can help each other minimize the hurt to ourselves, as well as others in our lives.