you're like hunger. (xglassjawx) wrote in eds_hurt_others,
you're like hunger.

im so glad to have come across a few DECENT eating disorder related communities on livejournal. ive had my ed for 5 or so years, and it kills me to see what it does to my family. im currently seeing an eating disorder specialized therapist once a week, not covered by insurance, and it costs $230 a session. the kicker is that it's just not helping, i hate the therapist, but its easy to avoid talking about the real issues with him and thus continue my ways. before this therapy i was in an extensive dbt program for 3 years, again not covered by insurance, and again incredibly costly. my family is well off i guess, not rich but not struggling to make ends meet, either. it just sickens me how much money goes into treatment for me and i dont take advantage of it at all. i went to an inpatient recovery program a couple of months ago, and insurance only cleared me for 3 days because i refused to eat the meals. my dad was so hopeful that it would help me that he ended up paying for the rest of my stay out of pocket... a couple grand a day. i got out and reverted immediately to my symptoms. i feel selfish for throwing out food, and for not being able to change. my sister regularly calls me selfish for continuing with my behaviors despite how much it hurts my family. she tells me things like "if you cant eat for yourself, eat for us" or "why dont you just kill yourself already, since all your doing is prolonging your death and the inevitable grief." i messed up the chance to be with the boy i love with all my heart because of my stupid eating disorder. i cant stand it... but at the same time i dont want to get better.

sorry that this is long, take care everyone.
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i can relate to feeling badly about your family paying for treatment that doesnt help in the end... my parents have given me about $30,000 in the past 3 years towards treatment, and i am about to go for a long-term inpatient stay again this next week... it can be frustrating for sure!!

it is also true that you will only recover when you are ready... not for anyone else. i do that too... try for others... there always seems to be a motivating thing for me, like my sister's wedding (had to gain to fit the dress), my brother's wedding (again same thing), trips, vacations, being able to go to graduate school... there are always "outside" reasons, but i know deep down that i have to come up with "inside" reasons if i am really going to recover.

hugs, and i am glad you found this group! keep talking!
It's a bit selfish of you to keep using your parent's money when you are not making an effort to get better. If you don't want to try then perhaps you should quit the counselling. What you are doing is dishonest and is giving your parents false hope. An ED per se is not selfish but the sort of behviour / attitude you have described in your post is.
they know that i don't feel i'm ready for recovery, but they refuse to just sit back and watch me die, or so they say. if i had it my way i wouldn't have received any treatment.
At least you know they love you.
Take care and stay warm.
...I'm sorry, but 230$ a session is fucking ridiculous. My shrink charges 250 shekel a session (that's about... 65$). Some really expensive shrinks might charge as much as 100$ a session. But 230$? The FUCK. Ditch him and find someone else.