im so glad to have come across a few DECENT eating disorder related communities on livejournal. ive had my ed for 5 or so years, and it kills me to see what it does to my family. im currently seeing an eating disorder specialized therapist once a week, not covered by insurance, and it costs $230 a session. the kicker is that it's just not helping, i hate the therapist, but its easy to avoid talking about the real issues with him and thus continue my ways. before this therapy i was in an extensive dbt program for 3 years, again not covered by insurance, and again incredibly costly. my family is well off i guess, not rich but not struggling to make ends meet, either. it just sickens me how much money goes into treatment for me and i dont take advantage of it at all. i went to an inpatient recovery program a couple of months ago, and insurance only cleared me for 3 days because i refused to eat the meals. my dad was so hopeful that it would help me that he ended up paying for the rest of my stay out of pocket... a couple grand a day. i got out and reverted immediately to my symptoms. i feel selfish for throwing out food, and for not being able to change. my sister regularly calls me selfish for continuing with my behaviors despite how much it hurts my family. she tells me things like "if you cant eat for yourself, eat for us" or "why dont you just kill yourself already, since all your doing is prolonging your death and the inevitable grief." i messed up the chance to be with the boy i love with all my heart because of my stupid eating disorder. i cant stand it... but at the same time i dont want to get better.